In the bigger scope of things I should feel fortunate. Thankful for staying in a big enough double storey house where every child has his or her own room with a large garden where we can sit and be one with nature.
Unfortunately when night time hugs us with his darkness the space around us becomes smaller.
In the daylight laughter, giggles and loud voices fill me with happiness and a feeling of gratefulness in my heart. How lucky am I that I was intrusted with these 5 miracles called kids. Not everyone is blessed to even have children. Here I am with 3 of my own and then my 2 family by choice additions.
I walk around like a proud Lioness , queen of the castle.
But boy oh boy…
This morning at 3 am when I finally marched downstairs this queen turned into a raging witch. Picture this.
There I was standing in their hallway…Big messy bun on top of the head, turquoise and white striped nighties ensembled with pink fluffy slippers with a I love you mom message on. Crazy blood shot eyes turning the loving eyes into laser guns aiming to shoot and kill.
I looked like a MAD women.
Clearly Herman should involve authorities. Men in white overalls should put me in a white jacket where I can safely hug myself continuously for a few days just to calm down.
Shouting on top of my voice that this is now the time to switch of all devices.. To shut up and get into bed and not make another sound.
Johan peaked from his room and shakily asked whether something was wrong. After seeing my face and feeling the laser burn he retrieved as quickly as he could. Alita jnr just jumped into bed and covered her face with her duvet . Jeneske – drama queen started crying.
Mamma.. you are being so unfair! We are children. We need our down time.
“Listen here…. Don’t start with your nonsense. You have down time during the day. You can do whatever you want when there is daylight but for now… you are going to bed.”
It was at this stage when the switch in the back of my head – just behind the ears broke down and set of the explosion.
Any mom reading this. I want to confide in you and ask you to please respond below to start this conversation.
How many of you have felt like a failure as a mom because you feel like you are somehow treating your children unfairly by loosing it now and again?
No one warned us whilst pregnant that the little blessing comes into life schooled already in manipulation. They are masters in the act. They know you better than you know them.
I always tell new mommies that its ok to have murder thoughts. Just don’t act on it. You will go through periods of utter rage where they test your limits and for that you must not punish yourself. It is normal.
When you read all the self-help books and watch all the motivation videos on how to become a better mother they don’t cover this part. All the content evolves around how to plan, how to manage and how to assist them in becoming good citizens. The chapter on lettin it go, you are not crazy is omitted. Because this doesn’t sell.
See… you try.. you try hard. You give it your best shot. Then life happens. You loose your temper, get caught up in the drama, especially in this period of stress.
I don’t personally know women that don’t have their children’s best interest at heart. I understand you have the exceptions, but I’m speaking to the normal average run of the mill mom out there.
Stop beating yourself up! When you break down, have a tantrum or go off or walk away. Cry it out. Figure out exactly why you got upset and go back to your kids and talk to them.
Explain to them why it happened and assure them that you still love them and that your anger and rage was due to whatever you need to explain.
Then you try again. You give it your best and you be the best you.
Kids are resilient, they are adaptable and they actually do get is sometimes.
You are human. You are allowed to not always be the perfect mom. Bat shit crazy tantrums 2 am in the morning is allowed. Do you know why? Because I haven’t slept continuously for more than 3 hours since the lockdown begun. The children are up all night and they sleep in the morning. They sometimes also watch movies in the room next to my room all through the night.
Sleep deprivation is a thing…
Think about it. If you are a bad mom why do you feel bad?
You are a good mom.. because in the daylight you try even harder to ensure them of your love and adoration.
Tell me about your breakdown.. looking forward to the responses.